Love Affirmed

It's the self love for me:
The amazing intelligence that gives course to pure curiosity
Unchallenged need for earthly and spiritual enlightenment 
Flawless personality that rouses all sensations
Skin the shade of caramel and the scent of cocoa butter
Coils of black that twist and turn like a crown on her head
Descendant of kings and queens beyond known generations
Exquisite palate that allures every being 
Admirer of every beauty and book that dwells in the realm
Devoted sibling and daughter to the village of family 
Curves from head to toe that can gratify the eyes
Vixens admire the addition to their coterie
Bilingual mouth that ravishes neurons aplenty
Ambitious head in the clouds but feet on the ground
Inspiration beyond control, uncanny wit to pair 
Her ancestors wildest dreams as they root for her triumphs
High full cheeks, blushing lips, and a tender voice
Brown eyes to seek beyond which they discern
Smiles that give hearts flutters or break into pieces
Laughter that reaches the heavens
Tears that bless the earth and pains the world
All depends on how you treat the owner 
Supportive to a fault, loves unconditionally 
Perfectly imperfect but always inquisitive of progressing 
Heart on her sleeve, protector of life, a goddess among men
Sensible and patient are skills yet to be acquired
But overall this woman is loved without measure.
This woman is me.  


To My Toxic EX

I love how your love matters more than my feeling. 
How I am supposed to suppress the pain from within to endure the love you want to give?
Pushing and pulling for more than I can emotionally give
Is my honesty not enough? Do my tears not suffice?
I can't handle any more of this strife
No, I can't love you through my heartbreak
No, a marriage won't fix matters
Why can't you listen to my concerns?
Can't you hear the pain in my voice?
Giving you the absolute most that you don't appreciate 
Instead, you wish for me to mask my pain
You want the lovey dovey me before you broke my heart
Before the daily arguments and screaming matches
The constant lack of communicating and listening
Now, you want me to "try" more than I can give
Because your persistent need to be with me is bigger than my need to be mentally and emotionally healthy. 
Damn my honesty and love language.
Your want to be married to me despite the pain I'm in is far more important.
That's why you lash out at me when I'm honest about what I like or don't like. 
Your efforts are recognized but this woman isn't going to settle for a boy who puts his wants over my needs.
Take this toxicity to a girl who doesn't know better.
If you truly loved me, you wouldn't push me for a relationship that I don't want. 
Think about that before you fix your mouth to tell me what I'm doing is not enough. 
I'm more than enough for myself.

Sing to My Pain

Turn on the radio, take it to that station
You know the one that has soul, that speaks to your heart;
The heart that is shattered to pieces that you piece back to together.
Let me enjoy the riffs and raffs of the artists that know that ache
The ache of constantly being hurt by a loved one who doesn’t get it
They continue to go on the way they do and leave me to join in.
Sure they ask if I’m okay but rarely listening to the answer
Constantly trying to make things good, attempting to fix what is broken
But never asking what is truly needed.
I can give my all but what if my all has been absolutely exhausted?
What if, I’m standing in the shell of who I used to be?
This is not where I expected to be a year ago.
I had plans that I wish were executed by now…
You don’t know how much it hurts realizing that will never be true.
Baby, don’t you get it? I never wanted it to be like this.
All I want is happiness but do we have to work this hard to stay happy?
It should not be this hard; We shouldn’t be this depleted from each other.
So many tears and screams after bending, altering; only to be wrong.
I can’t continue.
There’s nothing I can do.
Please don’t ask me to stay where I’m unhappy.
Please don’t.
My love for you can push beyond my love for me.
You know I would do anything for you, even if I’m unhappy.
I guess that is the problem, my love
I tried for your happiness but my needs weren’t met.
For months, I was coerced into endeavor what was only for you.
I waved red flags, I gave you warnings, I shouted at the top of my lungs.
But you came to realize too late at the trouble at hand.
Prince Charming didn’t save the princess from the poison.
He arrived when the poison had covered her head to toe
She was no longer a princess but a harpy within.
Just a shell of the woman she used to be…
Baby, please let me mend to my wounds.
Play the music that moans and cries
Songs of the harpies and sorceress’ that have drowned in pain.
Let the music speak of agony endured with soul of the young and old.
I’ll be better in time.
No one to blame but us.
But for now, my heart needs a soft, hearty voice
Maybe a guitar that will strum to the beat of my sorrow.
A sundry of songs that speak to the pain within my essence.
Let them sing to my pain as I cry it away.

Eternal Muse

Oh sweet brown eyes, how long has it been?
My heart still flutters as if it were young again
If you had just made the move years ago
No doubt that I would have been forever yours
Who knows were our love would have been by now
However, that did not come to pass
Our friendship has stayed intact even with the distance
Ever so often rising to the occasion;
I still remember the day that I tasted your lips
You gave me joy during those gloomy summer days
Cuddling up on your chest, nuzzling your beard
Hours of pure fun as we got to know each other on a whim
The smile on your face sparkles against your cocoa skin
No conversation was out of reach for us
Falling asleep in your arms was a dream come true
Flirtatious texts and innocent visits
True inspiration for the words I put down
You bring out that teenage crush in me in more ways than one.
All that being true, we knew it was fleeting
We experienced the best of us for a few months
Knowing we had love for each other
But not falling in love with one another
Easiest way for us to drift apart
Yet pull us back in as if nothing materialized
You forever stimulate my mind and soul
No matter if we are near or far,
You’ll forever be my eternal muse.

Ghost

At times it catches me off guard
Your smiling face will appear as I enjoy a show we once shared
Memories chase after me as I cruise through life
I liked you but we both know it wouldn’t last
The great joys in our relationships haunt me
All will rush in quickly and linger
I would rather move on from it all
Yet here I am wondering if you watched the latest episode
Do you agree with the character development
Or do you wish it was us?
Alas growth doesn’t apply to us like characters do
We are complicated beyond means
Our creators give us free will
We do as we wish
The permission of your smile will linger
It will freeze me momentarily
But our time has passed and I am free
The tugging at my heart won’t last forever
Haunting ghosts will soon disappear.

Struggling

Will this be the day that I crumble pieces

Keeping my peace is harder when I’m bombarded by news updates

What do I need to do in order to get the oxygen into my lungs?

Let me live.

Let me breathe.

Please just let me fucking breathe!